1)
Young
Boy
Exploring concrete for eternity
Translucent window color of dirt
Child born without father at home
He gives no embrace or kiss
Hard life he lives
The
Hardest Mile:
Breathing
Getting harder
Your pace quickens
Even through the pain
You can’t give up now
You want to stop
But you can't
Up ahead
Finish
2) Jacob - I like the
tightness and the form of both poems, but I do think you need to say more.
I suggest you free-write for 5-10 minutes and see what new imagery might
pop up to help you give more depth to your work.
Mimi Moriarty
Young Boy
Exploring
the stained brown concrete till times end
Translucent
window stained the color of the earth
Newborn
baby soft and innocent
Born
Without a father to give his love
He
receives no tender embraces or loving kisses
The
hardest life he has to live
The
young boy growing up without a mentor
The
Hardest Mile
The breathing that you take for granted
Becomes harder and harder to do
You struggle for air but receive very little
As you go on your paces quickens and the pain
increases
But you can't give up, it’s too late now
All you want to do is stop and take a huge gulp of
clear blue water
Then suddenly up ahead
There it is the finish
You are almost there
The end of the hardest mile
4) In my opinion my revised poems are much better
than my original poems. As Mimi said, my original poems were good but they were
lacking in the fact that there was no real imagery and I wasn't explaining them
enough in the poems. When I was revising the two poems I made sure to add more
to them and include some new imagery into them. I feel like this revision
really worked and I am much happier with my new poems. I feel they flow much
better and really work with the imagery that I put into them. I am very happy
the Mimi Moriaty gave me that advice because now I have two much better poems.
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