Creative Contest II Blog

  

"I don’t know Bob, I just feel like I’m forgetting something!"

SCRUPLES

A neighbor’s six year old child finds $30 on your driveway and gives it to you. No one claims it. Do you give the money to the child?

In this situation I would give the money back to the child. In my opinion giving the child back the money is the right thing to do and the honorable thing to do. I know from past experiences how much money can mean to a little child. When I was little I found $10 dollars on the ground outside our post office. I really wanted to keep it but my dad had me give it to the lady at the post office. The lady told me that if no one claimed the money in a week than I could have it.  For that week I was extremely excited to get the money and every day I would go to the post office and see if anyone had claimed the money yet. Then finally at the end of the week I went to the post office to get my money. I got it and I just remember feeling so amazing. Now I wouldn't really react that much too finding $10 but back then it meant the world to me. That is why I would give the child the money back. Because I know how much little children care about things and it’s always nice to make a little kids day, or even week and give the child a lasting memory like mine.

My Blog Idea

Write about a time when you felt an intense emotion of some sort. This emotion could be happy, sad, confused, angry, etc. Then once you have that memory in your head, write about it. Use imagery to really bring the way you were feeling to life.

The moment that I am going to write about happened very recently and the feeling that I was feeling was very melancholy. The day that I experienced this feeling was the day of our cross country skiing sectionals. I was extremely excited for this race because I was having a very good season and I felt like I could end the season a good note. The team left school early that day so that we could get the race on time. Sectionals were being held at Nick Stoner Golf Course in the Adirondacks and it was about a two hour drive. Once we arrived at the boys racers had a while to wait while the girls raced. Throughout the warm ups I was feeling fantastic and I was really thought that I was going to have a fantastic race. So finally our race came and I raced and when I finished I felt like I had one very well. I really felt like I had finished the season on a good note. The one thing about skiing is that we didn't find out how we did for a very long time after the race. Usually an hour or two after. So after the race we packed up the team and left the Golf Course and headed to our team usually, Fritz's Pizza. The ski team has always been going there and it is a post-race tradition. Anyways it was at this pizza shop where we learned how we did and where I experienced a flood of melancholy.

When we first got to Fritz's it was very fun and I was really enjoying myself and then came the moment. It was time to know the results. The girls were announced first and throughout the whole time the anticipation was growing within me. Then slowly they started to announce the boy’s results. I did terrible. I was the slowest boy on the team and didn't place very well in the race either. The feeling of defeat and melancholy hit me like a brick. I could feel the wind being knocked out of me and for a while I was just pure stunned. "How did I do so badly" I thought to myself. For the remaining bus ride home I was experiencing very strong melancholy. I couldn't find any amusement in anything and I was really just done. It felt as if, not to be cliché, that I had a rain cloud following me everywhere I went. Slowly I started to feel better and by the time I was home I was feeling much better. But since then I have had a new found determination to try even harder and I won’t have another disappointing race like that again.

Revisions

1)

Young Boy

Exploring concrete for eternity

Translucent window color of dirt

Child born without father at home

He gives no embrace or kiss

Hard life he lives

The Hardest Mile:

Breathing

Getting harder

Your pace quickens

Even through the pain

You can’t give up now

You want to stop

But you can't

Up ahead

Finish

2)   Jacob - I like the tightness and the form of both poems, but I do think you need to say more.  I suggest you free-write for 5-10 minutes and see what new imagery might pop up to help you give more depth to your work.

Mimi Moriarty

  

 3)                                                                                                                                                                                         
  Young Boy

Exploring the stained brown concrete till times end

Translucent window stained the color of the earth

Newborn baby soft and innocent

Born Without a father to give his love

He receives no tender embraces or loving kisses

The hardest life he has to live

The young boy growing up without a mentor

The Hardest Mile

The breathing that you take for granted

Becomes harder and harder to do

You struggle for air but receive very little

As you go on your paces quickens and the pain increases

But you can't give up, it’s too late now

All you want to do is stop and take a huge gulp of clear blue water

Then suddenly up ahead

There it is the finish

You are almost there

The end of the hardest mile

4) In my opinion my revised poems are much better than my original poems. As Mimi said, my original poems were good but they were lacking in the fact that there was no real imagery and I wasn't explaining them enough in the poems. When I was revising the two poems I made sure to add more to them and include some new imagery into them. I feel like this revision really worked and I am much happier with my new poems. I feel they flow much better and really work with the imagery that I put into them. I am very happy the Mimi Moriaty gave me that advice because now I have two much better poems.